The other day, a friend of mine got an email from his pastor about Easter.
Everyone in his church got the email and it was essentially a reminder that they should all behave on Easter Sunday. It said things like, “Please remember there are no assigned seats.” It was kind of funny but at the end of the day it just didn’t cover enough details.
So today I decided I would help you out, really serve you if you will, and remind you of a few things you need to do to have a successful Easter:
1. Scout out the church the Sunday before Easter. If you didn’t do that, that’s on you. You gotta approach this like Tom Berenger in the movie “Sniper.”
2. Pretend you are on a plane. Know your exits and whether or not your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device in case the baptismal overflows.
3. Sit on the outside of the aisles and try your best not to get trapped in the middle of the row, book ended by slow, “chatty” people.
4. Sleep over night in the parking lot.
5. Go to an “alternative service.” Like Friday night instead of Sunday morning. Unless your wife will feel like a total sweaty heathen on Sunday morning when you spend the time drinking coffee instead of at church.
6. Don’t dress your kids in bunny outfits.
7. Don’t tell any visitors “I look forward to seeing you again at Christmas.”
8. Have your wife drive home if you can’t handle the traffic jam, Jon Acuff.
9. Do not bring back your candle from the Christmas Eve service and light it during service. That’d just be weird.
10. Don’t hate on your church if they use a fake donkey in the Easter play. Real donkeys are jerks. True story.
11. Don’t steal all the Cadbury crème eggs from your kid’s baskets.
12. Don’t complain about the crowds at church. We spend all year trying to get people to visit church. Don’t be mad that some showed up.
13. Don’t expect that fake green plastic grass to leave your house for at least the next six months. It’s like Easter’s version of glitter.
14. Don’t try to make zoological sense of why a rabbit is delivering eggs. (Did he steal the eggs? Is it an egg laying rabbit? Seriously, what gives?)
15. Don’t just mail your church service in, showing the last half of Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ” instead of actually preaching.
16. Don’t do a sermon about sex on Easter Sunday. (You know who I’m talking about church that did that on Mother’s Day.)
17. Don’t go ten miles near any restaurant that has “buffet” in the title. That’s a death trap on Easter.
18. Do get bold and show the last scene of Man on Fire even though it’s a great representation of the cruxificion.
19. Remember, “the sermon starts in the parking lot.” If you punch someone for a parking space, the sermon started with a body blow to the kidneys.
20. Do an “Easter dry run.” Dress up, get ready, and pretend it’s Easter on some Sunday in October. Just for practice.
21. Don’t set off the smoke alarms in your house as a way to wake up/motivate your family.
22. Don’t wear a hat as large as the balloon we all thought that balloon boy was stuck in.
23. If you do wear that hat, please don’t sit near the soundboard at North Point Community Church. I will put you on this blog. Promise.
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